Keanu Reeves is one of the kindest and most genuine people in Hollywood. Whoopi Goldberg, on the other hand, was recently voted the “most hated person” in Hollywood, an accolade that no one seems to dispute.
Reeves was chosen by the TV production committee to present this year’s career award, a role he would have taken on with honor… until he learned he was to share the stage with Whoopi Goldberg and present the award to her.
“She’s not a pleasant person,” Reeves said in a voice that almost sounded like he was talking to Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be seen as the guy who made that mistake.”
Justin Timberlake, Winona Ryder and Gloria Estefan have also canceled. They are still waiting for a response from Jackie and Kelso, who desperately need something else to happen in their lives, but no one seems to be able to find them.
“We think they’re probably in a ditch somewhere after losing their social media followers over the worst apology video ever,” said Captain Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Legal Unit. “We’re going to start here in Los Angeles and go from ditch to ditch until we find them.”
Others believe they may also be in something more superficial, like a ditch or even a puddle, but everyone agrees they probably died of shame, along with their careers. Topher Grace was unavailable for comment, once again preserving his dignity.
Reeves stated that no matter how ridiculous the story gets, there’s no way he’ll change his mind. God bless America.